Daryn Tenenbaum, LCSW

I know it has been a few months since my last post, but as any parent of teenagers knows, busy, busy, busy. Run here, go there, we are sleeping at but going to, cuz!
This is always followed with the lengthy venting discussions ( Drama) when we are tired or busy and NOTHING when we are available and want to listen.
This brings me to the topic of today’s discussion. The task of teaching you’re teen to drive. It is a Rite of passage but not a right. Those of you familiar with my philosophy around privilege and responsibility know I feel strongly that you must know your child and their level of responsibility before engaging in this endeavor. Driving is serious business and now more than ever we must discuss the dangers of the roads in current times. The much feared and dreaded hand held techno devices that were not part of my or previous generations. This is as simple as NO TEXTING or PHONE while driving. Yet we see teens and adults on a daily basis forget or not caring and just in their own world texting and driving away.
You do not need my blog to tell you that this is a recipe for a deadly accident. My first time out with my own daughter she was in tune with my feelings on this issue and being a fan of texting herself, knew that she needed to show me shutting the phone and putting it in a compartment away from her focus of driving. I was all faklempt, the repetitive coaching and discussions had been heard. Once we tackle safety we can move on to realistic expectations. Some young folks see all the nice cars that are out today and want that one! The cool, fast …….
This brings us to my title “you want to drive what?” Yea, you are not driving the new Audi. Being a very big car enthusiast I have earned the right by middle age thru hard work, to drive a nice car. Our children need to have safe but reasonable cars given that they are new to driving and do not have lots of money of their own. Yes she wanted the old BMW or the string of other cars we have looked thru but ultimately young adults and parents must talk about what the family can afford, reviewing all the ancillary expenses that teens may not be fully aware of.
While I continue this journey of teaching my own daughter to drive, I welcome others input to the discussion, as none of us is as smart as all of us.

I can’t take it anymore! I have to discuss the negative messages our politicians are giving our children. In grade school terms, “It’s my football and if you don’t play my way I am going home.” Now they become mean and vindictive as they say “because you did not play my way I am going to pop the other ball so you can’t play.”

Regardless of party affiliation it is the very non problem solving, bullying to get your way nonsense that we try to teach our children not to do! I often joke with kids in my office during sessions about how hard it can be to raise good parents these days. Our political and financial climate in this country is, without question, pathetic! How do we raise decent politicians or are these mutually exclusive terms that cannot be combined?
Redundant line huh? So is the ongoing blame about who did what and what is not being addressed etc. Yet when Political folks ask to see things done they block the very efforts to help a given situation unless it benefits the special interest that they are aligned with. Enter image of tall kid holding a cookie above the short kid’s reach, while eating it and saying “why aren’t you enjoying your cookie?”

While this may be an open door opportunity to discuss values and political feelings with your children, the very actions that are going on in Washington, D.C. are going to cripple our children’s future. Not only the children with less. The ones with more are harmed as well. Remember if you eat all the cookies you get sick.

We often see kids challenged in the development of coping skills when they are either over indulged or limited in resources. Our politicians have no coping skills so they attack each other, even in their own party, as well as the other.
It is time for us as parents to teach our children the importance of rules and regulations. Problem solving and team work. The country is on fire and it’s time to form a bucket brigade and put it out. If the politicians keep emptying the buckets passed in line by the opposing party, the country burns and we pass on only hardship to our children. We grew up being taught of a great country where opportunity existed for all to work hard and have a great life. People built businesses to employ the community for generations (many people did well), not the money games that have marked our nation with greed and narcissism.

If we want better for our children we need to discuss these contemporary issues with them, at their level of understanding. We need to model action and problem solving by example; get involved, do not stand by and watch our politicians and their wealthy special interest groups burn our country to the ground, while we sit idle as they empty our water buckets.
As always I welcome input to this discussion, as none of us is as smart as all of us.

Wow, did summer go by fast or what? Now that school is starting up and all the kids have a fresh start, it is important to discuss the commitment needed to do the work necessary to get the most out of the school year. This means setting schedules that allow for time to get the work done and help from adults were needed. When parents put the effort in to orchestrate this dynamic, it models your commitment for the child involved and generally motivates them.

I hope you are getting the theme of this blog post, commitment! You see, that children often look at the way parents handle commitment early on and copy the behavior if it is presented as important. This issue becomes twisted in situations were parents are on a different page, or are divorced and one parent does not follow thru on commitments. My hope is that a parent reading this, who frequently drops the ball following thru on commitments might be reflective and make an effort to model better follow thru for the kids benefit.

If we think about how important it is to deal with those people who follow thru on their commitments because we are counting on them, it seems so obvious that this would be a good quality for our children to emulate. The next part of this is the self esteem that develops when young people feel a sense of identity that is based on integrity. If your child is telling you they are really making the best effort they are capable of; you want this statement to be truthful or that they will try harder and actually do so.

Sleep patterns and self care play into our ability to function at our best and carry out our daily tasks. These are very important to help children focus on so they can function their best. This is a commitment to yourself that kids often miss because they are involved in social media at late hours or eating on the run junk food, because they are late or over slept. My hope is that this will all come together for a wonderful school year and a commitment to young people doing well.

As always none of us is as smart as all of us and I welcome people to join the discussion.

If you go back a few posts to the one titled diversity, you will see that I finish with the comment that “ignorance is not bliss, it’s just plain ignorance.” I would like to build on that by discussing how we treat people with illness. It is important that we teach our children to be compassionate to others in many ways but when it comes to illness it is important that they do not judge others because each individual responds differently to their illness.

Some people are stoic and will tell you all is fine while they are dying in front of you. Others will complain about every ache and pain to anyone who will listen. While we do not want to encourage people to exploit the situation we must first take the time to understand their situation. This means that if a person is important in your life, taking the time to learn about the specific illness they are dealing with and how it is affecting them will help you to help them. If we continue to be uninformed about the illness or assume we know how they should be responding, we run the risk of the classic break down of ASS U ME.

So, as to not make an ass out of you and me, take the time to learn about symptoms. Ask questions in a way that allows the person to know that you are concerned and want to gain an understanding of how they are experiencing their own personal fight with the issues facing them. This is not a fancy concept it is old fashioned compassion. If we model this behavior our children will grow to be compassionate people. This is a good quality to aspire for in our children as it will perpetuate the kinder side of life. As we know, life can be unkind and nasty at times. If we can work to offer this level of kindness for people around us with illness, who knows, it may spread to other areas of life and our world will be a kinder place.

As always none of us is as smart as all of us and I welcome input to this discussion.

Wow! School is almost over. The kids are getting antsy. This is a great opportunity for discussion around expectations for finishing up the school year well. It is also a good time to discuss summer plans and what you will expect from them in terms of curfew, chores and any other changes in their routine once school is out.

Programming is important and will be helpful in keeping children busy with summer fun, reducing the risk of boredom and opportunities to find trouble. The list is long for camps and recreation programs. Not sure where to turn for information? Start by contacting the recreation department in your town. Another good resource is your child’s school. Some community colleges also offer fun and educational summer programs. Some camps offer scholarships. It is worth inquiring about these because this may give your child an opportunity that he/she otherwise might not have. It is important not to wait until the last minute because many sleep away and day camp programs have limited room and may fill up quickly.

Summer memories and shared childhood experiences help to shape our kids so their activities need to be well thought out and planned. This allows kids to feel the break from school while still giving them the opportunity to grow as people. As for older children, I might suggest setting some goals for the summer and reviewing their progress periodically throughout the season. It is very validating for them to see that they followed their plan and accomplished their goals. Focus on those areas of interest for your child, like improving sports skills or assisting younger kids as a junior counselor in a recreation program.

The important thing is not to let your child’s summer be with out activity. Bored kids tend to find trouble. As always, none of us is as smart as all of us and I welcome input for this discussion.

I was engaged in a discussion with some friends about the kinds of things that parents expose children too. A line I often tell patients is “When we are children we have no choice as to the nonsense our parents expose us to, as adults we have choice.” This statement is intended to illicit a feeling of empowerment, so that a person can reflect upon the things in their lives which they wish to change.

For those of you who are familiar with me, it is very clear that I place great importance on the welfare of children. Given that lead in, my hope is to encourage parents to examine their behaviors and look at what they model for their children.
Summer will soon be underway and lots of outings and activities will take place. I know that alcohol is consumed at many of these gatherings. Kids of all ages see this and depending on how parents handle themselves kids can see responsible, appropriate behavior or foolish, rude, risk taking behavior.
I have had parents try to justify some “off the wall” behaviors. My main rule in working with young people is that “Kids are the quintessential El Toro pooh detectors”! They know what’s up. When parents try to justify behaviors they recognize as wrong, they will become disenchanted with parental authority and possibly begin these very behaviors themselves.

I am certainly not the first person to say that honesty and open discussion help kids to grow in a healthy way and I will not be the last.
Remember our children watch closely when it comes to how we as adults approach things. This includes problem solving as well as our work ethic. If you are lazy or complain about work expect your kids to mirror this behavior. Do not be surprised if they avoid school work with excuses that they have heard in your home or if they leave a young sibling unattended, as they have seen a parent do, when you have put them in charge.
To sum it up, the efforts you make generally will be mirrored in your children.

As always, I welcome input to this discussion because none of us is as smart as all of us.

This time, I would like to discuss consequences and the role they play in the learning process for children. I often see parenting situations where parents threaten consequences for certain actions but often fail to follow through with them. This is very damaging to healthy learning of appropriate behaviors. It is the very process of dealing with that uncomfortable feeling that allows for a healthy child to develop a regulatory process for unacceptable behavior. When parents give in to easily, it sets the stage for “limit testing” children to figure out ways to get around the rules and expectations. It also prevents children from learning the connection between privilege and responsibility, a dynamic that I often preach about in my practice.

I am sure many parents can relate to the overwhelming noises that children can create when not getting their way. Conversely, the sickeningly sweet way they will act until they get their way. These behavior tactics should not sway parents into forgoing consequences or into letting things slide too easily. This does not mean you should choose consequences out of anger, thus choosing consequences that are unfitting for the infraction (Your 10 year old should not be painting the house as punishment for a dirty room). It does mean that this is an open door opportunity for discussion with your children so that you can communicate your expectations for behavior as it relates to responsibility. The natural flow for kids as they grow is to ask for more privileges. By handling the above dynamic properly, parents can review how a child handles their responsibilities to evaluate the readiness for new privileges. It sounds simple but it is the foundation of many problems that I see in my practice working with young people and their families.

No one is perfect and I am not suggesting that this will be with out challenges but, the more consistent parents can be the better. The expression that repetition demands respect holds true and consistency is powerful in teaching children. Also, when parents relax the rules for special circumstances, it makes the reward of breaks from the normal routine more meaningful. When children are indulged with privileges that are beyond their demonstrated level of responsibility, they can become expectant and manipulative in order to get away with more. They have not earned it and this can lead to bad judgment scenarios in which children get into trouble or get hurt. No parent likes when this happens and it is painful for all.

I encourage parents to sit down and discuss with their children those expectations that they consider reasonable, along with what types of appropriate consequences and rewards will be given. Parents, please keep in mind your child’s age, stage of development and individual level of functioning as a guide for setting expectations. The goal is for your child to be successful, as this will be helpful in strengthening his/her self-esteem. It is very validating when kids can feel that their parents are proud of how responsible they are being. It will really make them shine when they can proudly state “I earned this privilege”.

As always none of us is as smart as all of us and I welcome your input.

Every once in a while a clinician like myself has to discuss an issue that is some what of a pet peeve. One of mine involves the video game craze in our society. Parents will allow kids to play these games for hours on end. Kids will bring food to the area in which they are playing and never clean up. I have even had some younger children who become so engrossed that they won’t go to the bathroom and have accidents or become severely impacted. All of this is obviously unhealthy. What is not so obvious is when we have children, teens and young adults whose social and emotional growth is hindered because they live in the world of an XBOX or PS2.

The real social interactions of talking to people, seeing their facial gestures and learning to read the cues that are a part of “old fashion” people skills are being challenged. Much like junkies who will do some outrageous things to obtain their drug of choice, I have encountered young people who do some unbelievable stuff to get these games even when parents confiscate them. The next issue is the types of games which children have access to. This is of great concern. I had a parent bring a game in to my office and ask me if I thought it was appropriate for he 13 year old child. On the cover it was clearly printed NC17. I stated that the rating is clear that the game is not for kids under 17 years of age. Her next comment was that it must be ok because the clerk at Walmart had given it to her child. My response was “the 16 year old clerk who is already playing that game and thinks it is great is not going to be concerned about what your child is exposed to.”

This is really about parents setting limits, monitoring what is played and being aware of game content. Then good judgment has to be exercised as to what is appropriate for each child based on the individual. I find this is the most troubling part because parents will give in when “hocked” enough, knowing the child will disappear for hours after leaving them alone. Is a few moments peace worth letting your child get sucked into a mind altering video game that could potentially damage them long term? This applies to adults also. I have seen couples with strained marriages because a partner is not engaging in the relationship and is lost in the abyss of the video game.

There are potential health and psychological problems associated with the games as well. The most obvious is the violent games that trigger aggression and the way that the acts of violence are sterilized by being on the television. It desensitizes kids and the reality of the acts of violence they are seeing. Some research has linked the light patterns to potentially triggering seizure activity. I am most concerned about the disengagement of kids from their families when they disappear for hours into the game. I know some adults play along with their children but in many cases it is used to baby sit the kids.
Ultimately, video games like junk food, should only be taken in small doses and carefully monitored. If you do allow your children to play video games then moderation is the best policy! I would love to hear your thoughts because none of us is as smart as all of us.

Since the first time I experienced this phenomenon in graduate school while working my clinical internship, until right now in my current practice. Kids say things that get right to the point. Sometimes I must elaborate a little, so that parents can get the benefit of interpretation from the professional that they are paying to do this, but when a message is powerful it makes sense to listen to what these young people are telling us.
The first example from my training was when a young mom sat in my office venting about her children’s antics and misbehaviors. Fifteen minutes in I asked her to take a breath. I turn to the little boy and girl and asked “why do you drive your mother crazy?” The little girl perked up with a big smile that shined her missing two front teeth and professed “Cuz it’s so easy”!

The message was clear that mom needed to demonstrate a more even sense of control with these children so that they could honor her authority. After helping mom to put together a realistic set of rules and expectations. The children quickly became responsive and enjoyed getting along with their mother. It was no longer Easy to “Make mommy crazy”. The children saw that she was able to better control her emotions and communicate her expectations without yelling and escalating them.

I met with a young lady who spoke of her feelings freely around her parents and wanted to get the positives and negatives out. When she sat back and I asked if she felt this was helpful, she responded “It helps to say it out loud”! WOW!
When parents are caught up in their own nonsense they often stifle the comments of their children. “Not now” “Don’t say that” etc. Kids almost feel as if they might get in trouble if they sort their feelings out verbally and the parent does not approve. Developmentally the younger children struggle with this task. Put your stuff aside and let them feel better if they need to “SAY IT OUT LOUD”. This is an opportunity to help them sort through their feelings constructively. If you are a parent with feelings that are to bias then a counselor might be a good choice to help the child through a rough time.

These are two simple examples. In my 25 years working in human services I have heard many. I look forward to the next comment from a young person that just makes the point, hoping to bridge that for parents, so they can help their child. In the meantime listen to your children they may be telling you something profound. Help me to practice what I preach and offer some input to this discussion, because none of us is as smart as all of us.

Diversity is today’s topic. We see so many things in today’s media that allow for great discussions with our families. Our children are involved in so many activities with other children that it presents wonderful opportunities to process information around other cultural approaches to life. These words reference the ethnic part of difference and my hope is that at this time in history we are far enough along that people get this in a healthy way. However I am not blind or deaf and I often hear and see people who still perpetuate the ignorance of bigotry. What is equally troubling for a profession such as mine is that this ignorance can be so painful for young people who are struggling with their sexuality. You may be asking how I make this jump in the discussion but if you think about the teen girl or boy who is struggling with talking to their parents about their sexuality and hearing racial epitaphs spoken freely, it is a good bet that these young people know that their parents are not very accepting people. The logic would continue that they would fear their parents rejection if they were to discuss this issue with them.

Now I know parenting is tough enough on its own, so why would anyone want to make it harder? This makes it much harder to discuss lots of issues when your children see you as judgmental and prejudiced. I often tell adults who see me that, as children, they may have had no choice in what they were exposed to due to their parent’s issues and bias’. However, as adults you have a choice and those of you who are currently parents can choose not to perpetuate ignorance. This is just the kind of opportunity to be a part of the learning process with your kids that will allow them to always feel they can speak to you.

I chose to write on this topic because I have had many young people discuss these issues with me. They have concerns around why they are hearing peers use racial slurs or pick on them due to their ethnic background. It is obvious that these words and feelings are learned at home in and around their families or their friend’s families. This means that adults must be conscious of their commentary when their children’s friends are present. Also that the young people feel uncomfortable when it is their parents expressing these things and they feel differently.

These issues are very important in today’s society and right here, even in the quiet corner of Connecticut. We are a growing community of families with a variety of backgrounds and it is crucial that all the children can grow up here with out feeling belittled due to race, religion or if their parents are of the same sex. In this discussion ignorance is not bliss it is just ignorance!

As always, none of us is as smart as all of us and I welcome your input.